All This Could Have Been Avoided If Only You'd Have Listened to Me

This is an old post from when I got back from Australia. I found it in my drafts folder, so I guess I never got around to publishing it. It is pretty ancient but it has some gems, and since I might not be posting anything for a while (there is apparently NO internet in the backwoods of PA... also, we can communicate with other people and towns when the visibility is good enough to see the smoke signals. And we gather around the town square to listen to the one Victrola play ragtime music) I figured this might be fun to read. So here you go: a belated edition of "All This Could Have Been Avoided if Only You'd Have Listened to Me:"

I think its time for me to make a list (as I am wont to do) of all the things I'm not totally okay with here in the U.S. This list will only include changes that occured while I was on a different continent, because listing all the flaws of my great country is a much more laborious task than I am currently up to. So here it is, Mistakes America Made While I Wasn't Watching:

1. Veronica Mars - or rather, the cancelling of it. Yes, it had some rough patches. And sure, it didn't get the best ratings. But let me tell you, when it was good it was great. Teen noir? Nancy Drew with an attitude problem? Extraordinarily emo biker gangs? Does it get any better than this? We'll never find out, of course, because the scrooges over at the CW didn't care enough to try to revive what might have been the only quality show on their network.

2. No Universal Health Care - so I know that when I left America we didn't have it, and so I shouldn't be surprised that we don't have it now. Somehow, though, I forgot all about our tortuous health care system while I was abroad. I got to tell you, though, that it sure was wonderful to know that I could waltz into any clinic anywhere in Australia and not have to pay a cent for my treatment. Unfortunately, though, the rest of the citizenry of the great U.S. will never get to experience that wild sensation. No, they'll have to go through the complicated process of referrals and reimbursments and the never-ending phone conversations with insurance carriers - that is, of course, if they're insured to begin with.

3. The New Cheeseboard Pizza - Yes, I know its bigger. I know it can accomodate more people. I know it can be a more pleasant place to eat. But damnit, half the point of going to Cheeseboard pizza was for the experience of waiting in the cramped line, sweating from the heat of the ovens and worrying that your eardrums were going to pop from the volume of the live jazz band playing in a space approximately the same size as your closet. That long, hot, drawn-out process made the feeling of picking up your pizza and settling down into the busy traffic-median greenway so much more enjoyable. Without it, I'm just not sure if its the same place.

4. Driving - So here is the thing: every time you get behind the wheel of your enormous hunk of moving metal and turn on the ignition, you are reaffirming the social contract. This contract is long and complicated, but at its most simple it means that you will respect the rights of other people to exist and get to where they need to go and that to do that you will make eye contact, acknowledge other cars, and generally act like a considerate human being. In return, other drivers agree to do the same, ensuring that the social contract is fulfilled and the circle of life moves forward. But this doesn't work if some people don't bother with it. OH MY GOD PEOPLE RESPECT THE SOCIAL CONTRACT. Seriously! I know I'm not a fabulous driver but if one more jerk in a giant SUV tries to run me off the road or honks at me for stopping at a freaking STOP SIGN, I will cut a bitch. DO NOT TEST ME.

5. Scooter Libby - did Bush really commute his sentence? Really? So not only was he the administration's fall guy, but he didn't even have to fall that far. Thats so messed up.

Of course, there are lots of things I love about America: our rocking Constitution, democracy (I still believe in it!), turning right on red lights, choosing from eight million brands of peanut butter in the grocery store, and so on. But really - lets get our act together on the health insurance. And the social contract. And if someone could find a way to resuscitate Veronica Mars, I'd marry them.